Category Archives: parenting

Paying Off My Sleep Debt

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When my wife was pregnant with our first child, I asked my brother-in-law what he thought of parenthood.  He compared it to torture.  He was joking, but I have to say, the lack of sleep does give some validity to the parenting=torture department. The day in, day out of not getting enough sleep takes a toll.  A recent study says that new parents miss out on six months of sleep in the first two years!

With baby number two on the way, I was hoping to catch up on my sleep debt, and be refreshed and rested. But since Nate has transitioned out of his crib, he has been getting up between 3:30 and 5:30 AM.

The sleep debt is piling up!  By my numbers, I need to make up about 1,800 hours in lost sleep.  So if I go to bed nice an early tonight and sleep through to right before the baby is born in the first week of October, I should be all caught up.

I better pick up some Sominex.

Daddy, Are You Happy?

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My son has recently, and incessantly,  begun asking me, “Daddy, are you happy?”  I think he us just trying to gauge my mood at that moment, but he asks so often, I’m starting to think he is psychoanalyzing me.

With that in  mind, I read a surprisingly interesting article in New York Magazine.  With the cover proclaiming “I Love My Children, I Hate My Life” I was expecting another screed about entitled parents and their over pampered children.  Instead, the article  “All Joy and No Fun – Why parents hate parenting” is an interesting essay on why having children doesn’t necessarily make you happier.

The article mentions studies that show that people with children are not happier than the childless, how expectations, as well as, the family structure itself have changed, and of course it talks about the Scandinavians got it all figured out (there is a reason why the Swedish make the coolest children’s furniture.)

But its not until the very end of the piece do they touch on what is at the heart of the matter for me.  What defines “happiness”? And that happiness in life isn’t defined “by how much fun we had, but what we did with it.” And they ask the  philosophical question,  “should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?”

Personally, I have always thought that children won’t make you happier, at least on a day to day basis.  But I never viewed having children in terms of happiness, its about doing something selfless, devoting yourself to something other than yourself.  I think this used to be more common, peoples lives weren’t just about themselves and their own self satisfaction, it was as much about family, church and community.  And this doesn’t necessarily make you happier, but it might give your life more meaning and a greater sense of purpose.

Kids can definitely suck sometimes, but even with my shirt covered with oatmeal,  my back sore , and my mind completely zombied out from waking up at 5:30 every morning, “Yes Nate, I am happy.”

Father’s Day Cognative Dissonance

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Tomorrow is my first Father’s Day that I’ll celebrate  just as a father, and not for my father, and I’m finding it very sad.

It makes me sad to receive thanks for something I asked to do. “Father” is a moniker I asked for.  It can be incredibly difficult, but so emotionally rewarding, that getting thanked for doing it seems hypocritical.

It makes me sad, because I can and should  be a better father. I make mistakes every day, I can be a terrible role model, I am often a lazy and inattentive dad, yet my son just adores me regardless.  It kills me.

A year ago we took my father out to Fish Camp for Father’s Day, it was the last time I went out with him to a restaurant.  He was a deeply flawed man, and made mistakes as a father everyday and when I was young, I adored him, and even after I’m old enough know that he should have and could have been a better father, I still adore him…and miss him.

My father loved that Father’s Day dinner, he loved to adored.  Although he would never admit it, he loved to be appreciated, to be the center of attention, I think he got something out of Father’s Day.

I don’t.

Not yet, anyway. Maybe, if after years of being under appreciated, I’ll learn to enjoy the attention of Father’s Day, even if I’m still a far from perfect father.  Something to look forward to I guess.


New York Times Discovers Babies in Brooklyn!

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NEWS FLASH! "Families are moving to Brooklyn!"

How is this a story in the “paper of record”?

The NY Times article “An Apartment Building Where Babies Reign” talks about a building in Brooklyn where four of the six new buyers had babies when they closed on their apartments.   I assumed there would be some interesting sub-context or a twist in the article. Maybe the area has great public elementary school (it has two, PS 146 and PS 129) or that the neighborhood, along with Park Slope,  has grown into a magnet for families in recent years (it has), or at least say that the building owner had a fetish for pregnant ladies or something (I can’t confirm that one).  But no, the best we get from nearly a thousand words in the New York Times is, that’s a lot of diapers. Couldn’t they have at least said that the building was built on the remains of an ancient Indian playground?  Throw me a friggin’ bone here, other than stating the obvious, there are a lot of babies in Brooklyn!

News flash, a lot of new parents are moving to the 718! In other news “Traffic Terrible at Rush Hour” and “New Study Finds People Think Weekends Go By Too Fast.”  This is not a news story.

(Hat-tip to Juliet.)

Fornino vs I Trulli

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I’ve heard good things about the new restaurant in Park Slope, Fornino, where their Williamsburg location supposedly has the best pizza. But as it is with anything in the Slope there has been a bit of a kerfuffle, there is no children’s menu! They have since added one, but I’d hardly call the owner’s attitude welcoming of kids, “I’m not looking to turn this into a romper room,”Michael Ayoub says adding, “children should act accordingly,” (he then bit the head of an Elmo doll, so I’m told.)

Gramercy Park restaurant, I Trulli, has no children’s menus and owner of, Nicola Marzovilla, doesn’t believe in them, “Children’s menus are the death of civilization.” But apparently they are welcoming to children, Mr. Marzovilla thinks children’s menus “aim too low” and wants to broaden the little ones’ pallets.

I don’t take any offense to either attitude, but mainly because Nate pretty much gave up on children’s menus at 2 and a half, not enough food! We regularly get him a full entree, and he usually eats all of it.

Although Nate can be a demanding diner, flagging down the waitress for more water or napkins, or food! So I’m looking forward to seeing if they will treat Nate like any other diner.

But the real head-scratcher is why Mr. Ayoub would open a restaurant in Park Slope if he was so opposed to catering to children? Was he opposed to tattooed hipsters at his Williamsburg location?

And for what it’s worth, I’ve had more meals disrupted by loud drunks than kids, and I’ve yet to hear any say restaurants shouldn’t serve booze.

Bitter Blog for Sale

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These boots are made for branding.

I just finished reading the NYT article “Honey, Don’t Bother Mommy. I’m Too Busy Building My Brand” and about Bloogy bootcamp.

Bored mothers used to start a vanity business around their passion, “Chomping at Knit Knitting”, “Doggie Couture”, “The Erotic Cheese Wheel”…  Some succeeded, most didn’t, but it didn’t matter, they were finding an outlet with something they felt they could share with the world.

Now, with blogs, anyone can start spouting off like an expert with insights, but without any insight or expertise, and judging from some of these “parenting” blogs, any passion for what they write about. In fact, a lot of these bloggers genuinely seem to hate being a parent, so I’m not sure why they would use their free time to rehash how much you hate your life.  The answer, to create their “brand” and sell it.

Now, I’m not talking about the people (I put myself in this category) who just are using “the Blog” as a cathartic, creative, or  sharing experience. I’m talking about the people who go to Bloggybootcamp, Moms 2.0 and the like, who want to build their “brand,” court sponsors, and look for mommysite VCs (if there are such things.)

I understand that blogging is a new medium, a hybrid of a personal journal and citizen journalism. But what makes blogs interesting is the individual, not the group-think. I guess nasty and snarky is easier to sell than earnest. And some these seminars reek of Tom Vu.

I know,  this make me sound like a 21st century crank.  Oh well.  I just am sick of the bitter blog trend.

Baby Slings: Mothering Bond or Smothering Bind?

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After a sling trip to the Met, my back felt like I built the pyramids.

Apparently, wearing your baby is either  an in vogue way to bond with your child, or incredibly irresponsible, depending on which article you read in the New York Times this week.

“The Latest in Strollers, Mom and Dad” talks about how more parents are getting baby carriers and eschewing strollers.  In addition to “fostering a strong attachment,” baby carriers are popular with parenteratti, “with celebrities like Brad Pitt and Keri Russell” seen wearing their children. (I guess this helps justify buying a $540 designer sling ?!, which is essentially a piece of cloth.)

Yet a few pages deeper in the paper was the article, “Govt to Warn on Baby Slings Because of Deaths.” The Consumer Product Safety Commission is about to issue a warning about the possible suffocation risks with certain baby slings.

It’s enough to make an overprotective parents head explode!

From my own experience, a slings are safe and great for short trips, but would never replace my stroller.

I know other babies love the child to parent contact, but my son rarely slept while strapped on, and we tried 3 different carriers.  But he always napped soundly (and still does) in the stroller.

He outgrew his Baby Bjorn at 13 months(the Bjorn has 25 lb weight limit , you’d think the strapping Swedes would accomodate a bigger baby), he kept slipping through the Moby (you need to take a lesson from the Merchant Marine Acadamy to make sure that thing is secure,) and by the time we got the Ergo, which mom, dad and baby all liked, he was just too heavy to carry around for any extended periods.

And the usefulness of a carrier diminishes after tour child is a year old.  Maybe the mothers of !Kung San tribe in the Kalahari can carry 25+ pounds strapped to their body all day, but my back can’t take more than a couple of hours max. I leaned this the hard way. “We don’t need the stroller,” I arrogantly told my wife before a trip to the  Metropolitan Museum of Art when my son was less than 6 month old.  The next day my back was so sore I could barely get out of bed (although Nate did really like the Egyptian wing.)

Quasimodo never used a stoller

Maybe all these people who never use a stroller and call them “isolation pods” are all married to chiropractors. Because if I had to rely on a sling to get my son around, I’d look like Quasimodo after the first 6 months.

I am interested to see what the official Consumer Product Safety Commission warning says, but I’m guessing common sense will apply, ie. make sure your baby’s airway is always clear, and don’t let them curl up in a ball at the bottom of a rucksack.

http://www.brooklynbrood.com

Little Pitchers Have Big Ears

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Nate particularly likes galm era Bowie

I got an urgent call on my way to work.  My wife Juliet was calling, my 2 1/2 year old son Nate was asking mom to play a specific song.  He was trying to whistle and saying “sun, sun, sun.”  He was emphatic  and Juliet was baffled.

“It sounds like 5 Years Time by Noah and the Whale?” I said.

(whistling) Oh in five years time we could be walking round a zoo…

“Nate’s dancing.  Do you play this a lot?”

“We danced around to it once, maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago.”

This is not unusual.  Before he could even say “plane” he could hear them way before I could. He can hear when I come in the apartment building, from the 3rd floor. But he has more than the hearing of a cocker spaniel, Nate seems to have excellent aural recall.  He has always liked music, which isn’t odd, but after listening to David Bowie’s “Life on Mars” inscessantly  he now points out any time he hears David Bowie, any Bowie song. “Under Pressure” was playing in the mall, and Nate points up and says “David Bowie?” I almost told him, “It’s actually Bowie and Queen” but it seemed petty to quibble with a 2 year old.

Maybe he just has good hearing, but I’m wondering if there is any correlation to acute aural definition and musical ability?

Or maybe this is just normal for all kids as they catalog the world through sound.  I don’t know, I honestly cant find any research on children’s hearing, except when there is hearing loss.  But the fact that he is doing more than just hearing, but identifying, I find fascinating.

It’s All Sweetness and Light, Until Mother Overreacts

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Another innocent bystander!

There was an article in the New York Times yesterday that got me thinking.  Times columnist Susan Dominus had taken her 3 year old twins to the Ancient Playground in Central Park, and as they were enjoying the winter wonderland, a snowball fight broke with some of the older children. Ms. Dominus was struck by a snowball, was inscensed and demanded to know who the guilty culprits were.  The tweens were ratted out, and she proceeded to berate the children’s babysitter, who eventually left the playground in shame with angry children in tow, and Ms. Dominus was left to wonder if she was a spoil-sport or the last responsible parent.

Commenters on the article were torn between “kid-will-be-kids” and “you go mom,” with a number of digs at Susan’s multiple name drops of Dean & DeLuca that screamed elitist.

As a tween I’d been involved in my share of snowball melees, but this was in the genteel suburbs, not the hard scrabble mean streets between the gang den called The Metropolitan Museum of Art and thug training ground known as Marymount Prepatory School for Girls.

But it did raise the question of how do you handle the inevitable age conflicts at the playground?  With the exception of tot lots, playgrounds are there for kids 2-12, all running pell mell. My 2 1/2 year old son often wants to play with the older kids, and I find myself torn in letting him have fun, and pulling him out of harms way.  I tend to have a philosophy that he’ll learn his limitations quicker from a knock on his keaster than he would with from his dad explaining that he’s too small to play with the big kids. Of course this means occasionally plucking him out when he’s in over his head, but I think he learns from that as well.

As far as other kids behavior is concerned, unless a child is being overtly aggressive, I try not to get involved; I may be on squirrel patrol, but I’m not the playground police.